Olivia the Vampire Slayer
by Maoman123
Summary: Remeber Blue Harvest?it's like that but with Buffy. for those of you that don't know, Olivia is Stewie's former wife, whom he presumably murdered. I suck at summaries. R&R, or Stewie will kill you!"T" to be safe.
1. Blackout

"Hello this is Tom Tucker."  
"And I'm Diane Simmons."  
"This just in. A freak powercut has swept through Quahog, leaving hundreds of citizens bored out of their freaking minds. More from Tricia Takinawa.(Did I say that right? Takinawa? Takanawa? Oh crap. What do you mean we're still on-oh crap)Over to you Tricia."  
The scene on the TV set changed from a boring newsroom set to the streets of Quahog.  
"Thank you Diane. Now as we all know, the power cut-  
The Tv went off. All of the Griffin family screamed in horror. "What the freakin' hell'll we do now!" Peter screamed, putting his hands to his face in OTT horror.  
"Oh, bloody hell. This means we're gonna have to listen to Star Wars again, doesn't it? Bloody hell KILL ME NOW GOD!" exclaimed the youngest Griffin, The homicidal baby screamed. "Ooh, a coin!" he said, and leapt from his seat to grab it as a bolt of lightning roared through the house and hit Stewie's chair.  
_"Dammit!"God exclaimed as he saw his lightning bolt miss.  
_"Now, now Stewie, Daddy's Star Wars was very very good. But no, that'll come later. This time, I fancy something different. I know! Star Trek! No, that wouldn't work. I know! Buffy the Vampire Slayer!" he ignored the family's groans and started his long, long story.

**Thanks for reading my first ever fic! By the way, here's the character list:  
Chris-Xander.  
Connie DiMico-Cordelia/Darla.  
Meg-Willow.  
Peter-Giles.  
Stewie-Angel.  
Bertram-Spike.  
****Olivia-Buffy.  
Janet-Faith.  
Susie Swanson-Drusilla.  
Lois-Joyce Summers.  
Herbert-The Master.  
Quagmire-Pervy Vampire.****  
Cleveland-"Count Blackula".  
Joe-Disabled Vampire.  
Brian-Oz.  
Horace-Willy the Snitch.  
(I know Spike, Dru, Oz, Faith and Willy weren't in Season 1 but WTF, it's a freakin' PARODY!)If you don't know any of these characters, GO WATCH SOME GODDAMN BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER, BITCH!  
Yeah, i know it's short but the next one's longer.**


	2. Welcome to Sunnyhog, the Hellnostril!

"Remind me again why we're breaking into the school?" the blonde girl asked her boyfriend.  
"Cause we can. And anyway, I need some dope."her boyfriend replied.  
"Where are you gonna get dope in a school?"she replied in a matter-of-fact voice.  
He tapped his nose and winked at her. He smashed his hand through the window and the girl climbed in. "Nice." He said, looking up her skirt. She slapped him and he climbed in after her.  
Five minutes later, the girl found she was alone. She looked around and called out his name(which we don't find out 'cos he's gonna die-Peter). A couple' minutes later she found him high in the girls locker room, handling bra's, thongs, and shoes. "Yo, bitch, wher you's been? I's been over here fool, hahahahah!" At this point the girl got bored and changed into a vampire. "Whoa! Yo face is messed UP! What are yo? Some kinda retard?" At this point she got bored, bit into his neck and stuffed him into the locker.

Olivia woke up from her messed-up nightmare and found her school clothes laid out in front of her. She put them on and her mum drove her to school. "Honey?" Olivia's mum, Lois Summers', asked her.  
"Yeah mom?"Olivia replied.  
"Try not to burn down the school gym again, huh? I mean, why did you do that, anyway?"  
"Um, there were vampires- I mean, it was a drug den."  
"Oh. Bye honey."  
"Bye mom."

On her way to her first lesson some retard bumped into her.  
"Oh, sorry." He said sheepishly as he looked at the contents of her bag. Some pot, some coke, a tampom, a pregnancy test, a condom, and a wooden stake. She picked it all up and, without saying a word, walked away. The boy, who's name was Chris Harris, picked up the stake that she'd forgotten and followed after her quickly.

In history, Olivia nearly fell asleep. She was awoken by a girl, her own age, called Connie Chase. "Look, I'm cool, so hang with me, and you'll be cool too, OK?"  
"OK." Olivia replied.

Half an hour later they wandered out of class and into the corridors. Connie saw some girl in a pink hat and top and jeans get soaked at the water foountain. Connie laughed. "Ha, Meg Rosenberg, you are a spaz!" She laughed horribly and Olivia mouthed the word sorry. She followed Connie to the Library to get a book(well never-Brian), but told her she'd wait outside "cos of her mega major rep".

Inside she found a fat librarian with glasses. He laughed as she reached the desk. "Hehehehehehe. You look like a baby but really you're the VAMPIRE SLAYER!!!!!!Hehehehehehe. Anyway, here's a book about vampires." He handed her a massive book entitled "VAMPYRS". She backed away and said, "I don't think that's what I'm looking for."  
"Oh yes it is, bitch! 'Cause if you don't read this, I'll personally hunt you down and slit your neck from left to right! BITCH!" At these words she took the book from him and slowly placed it in her bag. She left quietly, and went to cry in the bathroom.

Olivia walked outside at break and met Meg Rosenberg. "Hey. Tutor me please."  
"OK." At this point Chris and his friend Jessie(a tranny)came out(What the-Chris)(No, Chris, came outside-Peter)(Oh-Chris)and handed Olivia her stake. "Oh. Self defense." She said, "In LA pepperspray's _so_ last year."  
"Oh Olivia, gym's canceled due to the _extreme_ dead guy in some girl's locker." Connie said when she turned up. She looked at the other three and turned to leave.  
Olivia jumped and said she was going to the locker room.

When she got there she found the dead dude with two bite marks in his neck. So she did what any normal girl would do. She went to the library.

"Sunnyhog is situated above the Hellnostril, a mystic thingy ma-jig that acts like a turn-on to vampires and demons and Quagmires."  
"What are Quagmires?" Olivia asked Rupert Griffin, her Watcher.  
"A race of Peverts. They live by the law of, and I quote,

_It's Quagmire, it's Quagmire!  
You never ever ever know what he'll do next!  
It's Quagmire, it's Quagmire!  
Giggity,giggity, let's have sex!  
OH!"  
_"Look, I won't fight vampires! I'm a freakin' teenager!"  
"Alright," Griffin replied, "let millions of people die." At this, Chris stepped out from behind a shelf, and frowned, curiously.

_Later, at the Clam, the club in Sunnyhog._

"Hey Meg. Look at you! You lonely person, you. Seize the day! 'Cause tomorrow you'll probably be dead." Meg looked down at this, embarresed.  
Olivia walked over to get a drink. When she came back, Meg was gone. She looked around and saw her going away with a dude that was totally a vampire. She pulled a stake out of nowhere and followed them. Chris came over and said he wanted to help and he knew she was a Slayer. She said OK and off they went.

Jessie saw a cute blonde girl in the Clam and went over to flirt. She turned out to be Darla, the vampire from the first paragraph, remember her? Good. Anyway, she snacked on him and took him to a crypt.

Meg walked with the vampy dude until he forced her into a crypt. There she saw Jessie and this blonde bitch. Suddenly Chris and Olivia appeared, carrying stakes, and they slayed one of the vampires. Meg said, "I know about the vampires. I was hiding in the library too, you know!"  
Darla attacked Livvy and Livvy dodged her.(Livvy?! What the hell?!-Brian)(I couldn't be arsed saying Olivia all the time. From now on it's Livvy-Peter)Suddenly, a huge ugly dude appeared behind her and she was pushed into a grave. "RUN!" she shouted to Chris and Meg. Being cowards, they did so.  
And the vampire leant in closer....................


End file.
